When Disappointment is Faithful

One of the things that I could count on in my life was disappointment. The disappointment was consistent and faithful. It caused me pain and suffering that began to shape me emotionally. I went through a season of thinking I was undeserving and not good enough. I would compromise in relationships and suffer a lack of things that were important to me. I never expected to receive it. Deceiving myself by saying, "I didn't care." But that wasn't true. I did care. But why was I the one to always be disappointed?  

After dealing with disappointment many times, I allowed myself to enter a place of trying to love with expectation. The problem with that for me was without expectation; you take away your voice, your needs, and your desires. I became an instrument to be used by others. It didn't matter what I thought, what I needed, or what I desired. I wasn't expecting them to do it anyway.  Being an instrument used for others, I was like a Grand Piano, looking fabulous in a showroom and entertaining others. But when the show is over, the piano sits. It collects dust and needs to be tuned.  When the next time someone finds the beautiful piano, it has sat so long without care and regular maintenance. Now, when you try to play with it, it needs work. 

The light came on, and I realized something was seriously wrong with this picture. It was time out for forgetting my birthday and holidays. It was a time out for not considering my feelings. It was time out for being used for their benefit and tossed to the side. It was time out for making me out to be the bad guy because I said things were unacceptable. It was time out for being unappreciated. It was time for my opinion and my voice to be heard.

I understood I suffered most disappointments because I allowed it—the emotional trauma of loving without expectation and compromising needs and desires. People will only go as far as you let them. I had allowed myself to pour into others and never received anything back. I had allowed myself to pretend I didn't care so the blow to my heart wouldn't hurt as much. I even tried to make excuses for others. It's just the way that they are. It was the way they were raised. Well, I finally had enough. Another person's shortcoming doesn't have to be your disappointment. Yes, we understand their shortcomings, but there should be equality in relationships. " They promise, “Baby, I may not get to it today, but I will make it up to you tomorrow." But tomorrow never comes, and the only one that's disappointed is you. In a relationship, you should be able to trust that tomorrow will come. If your feelings and desires are considered, a compromise should be easy. 

It's important to make sure your voice is heard. You shouldn't have to cry loudly from a rooftop to be heard. You don't have to yell, kick, and scream to be heard. If you have gotten to that point, you are acting out of frustration. Acting out of frustration can be dangerous, so you should be careful. You can do and say things you can't take back. Acting out of frustration won't change a thing. It's you that has to change what you've allowed.

When people are in tune with you and they love you, the last thing they want to do is disappoint you intentionally. Things will happen, and occasionally, some important stuff will get overlooked. But when you find yourself where disappointment is more faithful than your relationships, it's time to take inventory of yourself and what you may be allowing. If it is a relationship with family, friends, spouse, or clergy that you need to change, do so by allowing them to understand what you have been hurt or disappointed by. Some people will apologize because they didn't realize what they were doing, but others still won't get it, and will never change. As for you, make any change necessary to bring you peace and happiness.  

Dr Lovely LLM